Tonsurphobia
by La Salle De Bain
Summary: [Oneshot] Envy needs a trim.


**A/N**: Well, I just got a haircut yesterday, after like, two years, which is what inspired this story. Enjoy. :D

* * *

Envy was summoned to a secluded room—and no, not by Dante, but by his fellow Homunculus. Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, and Sloth. Envy didn't even ASK why they needed him; he assumed they found that stash of porn under his mattress. 

Envy walked into the designated room, seeing it was dark and somewhat…'mob'-ish. The only source of light was a beat-up light bulb that was the shape of Gluttony's head. In the corner, Envy saw the four side-by-side, arms crossed.

"Well…uh…." Envy shut the door, walking up to them. "I'm here. What do you all want—wait. I know what you want. But, really, can you _blame_ me? I haven't gotten any in like, a HUNDRED YEARS—"

The four gave him a disturbed looked, shutting the gender-confused tree right up.

"Envy," Lust said firmly. "We're a little…concerned. About…"

Envy raised an eyebrow. "About…?"

"How should I put this…? About…your…"

"About that damn mop on your head you call hair," Wrath finished, bearing his teeth.

"My…hair?" Envy stroked his puke-colored locks like they were a cat. "My HAIR is GORGEOUS. _How dare you!_ It's one thing insulting my kickass fashion sense, but my HAIR? That's where I draw the meterosexual-but-secretly-homosexual line!"

"I mean," Lust muttered, "you kind of need a haircut."

"No! NO! Haircuts are pure EVIL." Envy flailed his arms. "And I know pure evil—remember that hamster in Dante's coffee cup? Me. _ALL_ me."

"You just need a little trim," Sloth said, making a little space between her fore finger and thumb.

"But…but…! What're you going to do with it…? The hair, I mean."

Wrath leaned forward, whispering, "We're going to feed the hair to Gluttony and say they're asparagus."

Envy stared at Gluttony, who randomly toppled over.

"Not convinced yet?" Lust hissed. "Then we're going to have to MAKE you get convinced and like…stuff."

"…That doesn't make any sense."

"…"

Lust snapped her fingers, Gluttony popping up with a small cardboard box. The word 'TREASURE' was scribbled on it sloppily in Sharpie. He handed it to Envy, who looked down at it stupidly.

"What's this?" Envy chirped.

"Things we've found…IN YOUR HAIR," Wrath roared.

Setting the box down, Envy got to his knees and started digging through the "treasure."

"A quarter, some lint, a Lion King action figure, a lollipop, an NSYNC CD…" Envy paused, quickly stuffing the CD into his pocket. "Pogs, some Legos, orange peels, Roy/Ed doujinshi, Shake-and-Bake, a ticket to a lesbian strip bar…"

Sloth coughed, snatching the ticket from his hands. "Um, yeah, that's mine."

There was a disturbing silence, but Envy resumed his digging.

"A tea packet, mangos, a Sailor Moon plushie, more damn Legos…and hey, what's this? A coconut?" Envy snorted back his laughter. "What am I, a palm…tree…?"

Envy froze, his eyes wide. "Oh, shit, I finally get that damn joke."

"So, you see, Envy," Lust sighed. "You. Need. A. Haircut."

Envy inhaled. "I guess you're right…Maybe I DO need one…I don't want to be jumped by those Ed fangirls again...or like, EVER."

Gluttony pulled out some scissors, smirking. "Gluttony cut-cut. GLUTTONY CUT-CUT."

"What're you doing Gluttony? Gluttony…? WHOA THERE. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF, YOU CLOSET QUEER."

---

The damage was done—strands of Envy's adorable hair was floating like feathers through the stale air.

Wrath pulled the tree to his feet. "Wakey, wakey…The hour of torture is over."

Envy held his head, staggering to a wall. "I feel…like I did at that Christmas party. You know…when Hoenheim came and hired those huge strippers as a prank for Dante…"

"Oh, stop it with the damn Dante jokes," Lust hissed. "We ALL know she has us bugged. Up the ass."

"And plus, it's pretty much the same situation, if you think about it," Sloth said, shrugging. "Gluttony, strippers…Strippers, Gluttony…Same diff."

"Uh…yeah, so how does my hair look?"

_Silence…_

"WELL…?"

_Silence…_

"Screw you all; if you're not going to answer me, then I'll have to find out myself!"

Envy stomped over to window, grabbing the Barbie hand mirror from the sill. He looked at himself in it smugly.

_More silence…_

After a few minutes of mindless staring, he lowered it. "I…look like Martha Stewart."

Sloth walked up to him, taking his hand. "But people LOVE Martha Stewart, honey…"

Envy fell back onto the couch behind him. "My head looks like a radish."

"No it doesn't," Lust said, remotely trying to comfort the poor boy. "Well, uh, yeah. Maybe a little, but…"

"I look like a white trash lesbian…"

"Come on, Envy," Wrath started. "Be a man!"

"How can I be a MAN when the only MALE thing about me is my…you know…_thing?_"

"Oh, about that…" Sloth murmured. "Dante was telling us something about that…You know how dogs get fixed? She said some weird pun like that, so yeah; you need to get neutered. Like…now."

"…So am I a girl now?"

"I guess you could say that."

"…Dammit."

The End.


End file.
